I've been watching television for all of one hour, and already I want to kill something. I don't know how you fucking people can do this seven hours out of your workdays. Seriously. You people are fucked up.
I suppose I was asking for it, turning on the goddamn thing in the first place. What's worse, turning it to those godforesaken headline news channels. I turn on the television, and see all the difficulty and suffering in the world encapsulated to me in terse, exclamatory words by talking heads. Not because these people have their thumb on the pulse of human Suffering, but rather, they are in themselves, perfect vessels for it; living breathing testemants to the promise of enforced euthenasia.
These people are apparantly incapable of climbing curbs about the heighth of the distance between my thumb and forefinger on my right hand at this particular moment (so I suppose its fair to say that at this moment, my forefinger and thumb are placed, respectively, on the J key and Spacebar). Or perhaps, not nearly as incapable of jumping climbing these curbs, as determined to lay these impermeable curbs to waste.
I have seen this blonde bitch whose name escapes me (not Anne Coulter--another venemous bottle-blonde spin doctor with more silicone than sense) on this show called "Connected Coast to Coast" claim that denying same sex marriages via an attempted Constitutional amendment is NOT gay-bashing ... as if "seperate but equal" was NOT racist in the most insidious of ways. Her guest was a radio talk show host named Steve Gill, from my hometown of Nashville (one of the least credible and least respected public figures in the HISTORY of Nashville, and certainly not a proper representative of a town/county that in spite of the rest of its State, voted BLUE during the last election) who ranted and railed just like the pundits he so wishes he could be, talking himself into a hole and--the instant he realised that Nancy Skinner from Detroit and Ron Reagan Jr. were about to prove him wrong--blotted out their opinions with volume a la O'Reilly and Limbaugh.
I watched Ron Reagan Jr. and Blonde Satan lead a debate with VH1-soaked nimrods over the topic "Are celebrities being whiney babies," the idea being that Fame and Money essentially elemenate Suffering and even the most petty of Human Strife.
I see that there's a housing problem across America--its too expensive for anyone working in the U.S. to live in the U.S.--and Gary Senise thinks that the soldiers who do their job well don't get as much press as the soldiers who fuck up.
I watched Jim Cavuto muse over whether people are "too mean." Jim Cavuto. Jim Cavuto. Pretty sure I don't have to see the irony in this.
Jim Cavuto.
We're fucked up, people.
None of this is new, I'm sure, to many of you. Nor is the debate over the future of the Democratic party. This is all old news. In fact, I feel a little stupid for even being so absolutely pissed about it:
My philosophy on the Bill O'Reilly's of this world is that they only have as much ability to piss you off as you give them. They're gonna scream and rail till they die like the shriveled little mutant babies they are (for reference see Larry Cohen's film trilogy It's Alive). You know how to shut them up? Turn OFF your T.V. Or at the very least, change the channell. Chill out. Watch some "Aqua Teen Hunger Force." They are easier to ignore than your pride is letting you believe.
So perhaps you can understand why I feel as if I've declined into some wierd retrospective pit of feces and jujubees*. Whatever that means. I'm not sure, either, but it was an important enough statement to make that I actually had to ask around about how to spell the word "jujubees." Turns out no one knows; I'm just guessing.
The only real issue I take with this, the only real reason that I am suddenly relating to the Republican love for destroying small nations of people in the name of greater causes, is that I have all the answers.
No, seriously.
Well, mostly seriously.
At least only half sarcastically.
Pundits: Ignore them. Turn off your T.V. Problem solved. In fact I say all intelligent people (Ron Reagan Jr. and other Conservatives and Liberals of a sensible nature who go on these shows only to shut up the idiots in the first place, and then fail miserably) should just stop appearing on this fucking shows. You know you're not going to be accurately represented amid the third grade screaming. So stop going on the shows. Why? Because eventually, no one will be ABLE to claim that the conservative media is fair and balanced, and even if they did, they're only going to be preaching to people who naively take them at their word REGARDLESS of if you appear on their show to be insulted and demeaned and reduced to awkward stuttering teenagers, frustrated that the whole world is against them.
Celebrities: Regardless of our Deification of them, regardless of money, regardless of everything that we dream of having that rests comfortably at their fingertips, celebrities are people, and people Suffer. They get lonely and throw telephones--so do we. People get upset when other people make idle talk about their personal relationships. PERSONAL. RELATIONSHIPS. Money, fame, and comfort do not prevent this. They are human beings which downright garuntees that they will find something to bitch about--just like the stupid bastards who go on t.v. to bitch about how celebrities bitch too much. SHUT UP.
Not that I don't understand, of course. One percent of the population is in possession of an entire third of the richest nation in the world's wealth. The rest of us have to scrape and fight and bicker and betray and kill for the leftovers. We all let ourselves believe that just a little more money might make us happier. But it won't.
We no longer live in a society that celebrates the Pursuit of Happiness. We live in a society where ninety-nine percent of us have to settle for the Pursuit of Comfort.
I understand why we think celebrities bitch too much. But surely there's something better to debate over. Surely I'm not the only person who thinks so.
Housing and Gary Senise: I have a solution that integrates both of these issues into one wonderful acrobatic solution.
I don't know what world Gary Senise lives in, but even in Democratic Metro-Nashville-Davidson County, I am breathing in the endless fumes of "Support Our Troops." Not to suggest that that isn't noble, because it is, but then again, that is precisely my point: that no one out there can argue with the very concept of Supporting Our Troops. You're either For the War or Against the War, but For the Troops in this sickeningly polar excuse for a Republic. So what the hell is Gary Senise talking about? He can walk into any gas station, turn the station to any Headline News channel, look out onto the highway and pick five cars at random, and be able to see at least three of them with "Support Our Troops" (or similar) bumper stickers.
And I was thinking of that at the time, when it occurred to me that there's an easy solution for Gary Senise and for those of us who could never afford to live in overpriced areas like New York and Cali where they are at least able to muster a fake admiration for progressive thought (but actually probably just push us a little further toward total social decay in an effort to get their cut of that one third that the top one percent fight over).
I think its fairly obvious where I'm headed, so let me cut to the chase: Gary Senise ... I'll trade you houses. You can live in a dorm on the campus of Austin Peay (and with my folks in the summer) and I'll live in your home in Cali/New York.
I suggest we do this on the whole. Northern Bush-Supporters can trade homes with Southern Progressives, and we will all be another step further along on our Pursuit of Comfort. Its a thought.
And my God. The Democratic Party:
"They that can give up essential liberties to obtain a litle safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
posted by Josh Danger @ 3:25 PM
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